October 12, 1957

Professor Edward Lockett, Visting Fellow

All Souls College

High Street, Oxford, OX 4AL

United Kingdom

Hey big bean!

What’s buzzin? The Keepers finally enrolled me in the seminary high school here in Nowheresville, Missouri. I guess it had something to do with me stacking up Pop’s fliptop. They think this place will make me more like you. It might turn me into a giant spaz, but that’s all. The worst part is the brown shirts here made me lose the Duck Butt. I’m real low, Eddie. Real low.

Thankfully, I’m tight with an upper class man named Timmy Grote. He’s the square with the keys to the storage attics. Sometimes he lets me go upstairs to smoke a weed or two, gather my thoughts, and figure out how to blow this popsicle stand. This place gives me the heebie-jeebies, you know? Especially the creepy old gargoyles on the building corners. They’re cold, Eddie, always staring down at me and such. It’s like their eyes are following me to and from my classes, and I swear on all that’s Holy one’s tongue even moved! I don’t know how you made it for four years in this place.

By the by, I found some funny old letters when I was up in the attic yesterday. I thought you might like them since they’re about dead Injuns and what not, and that’s your wheelhouse. They’re even in their original envelopes, because I know you like the stamps the most, ya simpleton.

With brotherly love, yadda yadda yadda,